Withdraw and Hoover Phase

For someone who is in survival mode within an abusive relationship, it takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to reach a point of acceptance – to be able to take off one’s rose-colored glasses and see the situation for what it truly is. Only when you finally accept the fact that you do not really matter to your abuser, and that they would continuously disrespect your boundaries if you allow them, will you be able to realize how unhealthy and wrong it is to hold on and anchor your worth on that person.  

But it does not stop with the realizations. You have to make important decisions. Will you choose that person again over yourself? Will you cave in and allow them to be a part of your life again? Or will you finally and completely let go knowing that you don’t need and want them in your life? In this episode, let’s talk about some of the reasons and effects of hoovering, and how our awareness of these things can help us move forward in the right direction!         

Healing Points of This Episode:

• Whether a person wants to keep us in their life or not, our value does not depend on anyone’s approval or validation. 
• Manipulative narcissists will test how far they can push our boundaries, and we might sometimes be compelled to prove our love and loyalty by allowing them to do so. 
• Those who have the tendency to be toxic individuals in a relationship may also be going through their own healing process from rejection or manipulation. It’s never too late to seek help and change for the better. 
• Self-respect and finding your self-worth from within are factors that allow us to love and accept others genuinely.

Words of Healing:

• “Stop trying to find your worth in treating someone else poorly to see if they stay. That's never where you're gonna find it. You find your worth within yourself. You find it in what you can give to others.” – Regina Marie
• “Putting up with someone is different than putting up with abusive behaviors.” – Regina Marie  
• “Once you find that you're able to fill your cup, that your cup can be filled from you and not from them, that's when your healing's really gonna start. And that's when you will stop hoovering yourself. That is when you will stop ruminating about the good times. And that is when you will begin to happily close that chapter.” – Regina Marie

Resources Mentioned:

• Carrie Underwood - Relapse
• Anson Seabra - Walked Through Hell
• Calum Scott - No Matter What
• Good Will Hunting | 'It's Not Your Fault'
• Faouzia & John Legend - Minefields
• Torrian Ball - Narcissist
• POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse

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