My Healing Village

The Discard Phase

• Regina Marie • Season 1 • Episode 12

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Ending a relationship with a narcissist can be such an eye-opening experience; it is when we finally discover layers of ugly truths behind the mask of the abuser. On the one hand, it must be a relief to finally break free from the "beast" that chained you. On the other hand, it may also be a way for you to understand the real nature of that person – the behaviors, the patterns, and the perspective from which they view you as a victim. And while it is the same person who caused you pain and "suffering", it may be helpful if you can understand the underlying issues and childhood traumas that most probably impelled him/her to become an abusive person. 

In previous episodes, we have unlocked some terms related to the cognitive dissonance that we go through within an abusive relationship – there's the love bombing and devalue phase and the rumination, among others. This episode covers the next stage in the narcissistic abuse cycle – the discard phase. Let’s talk about what happens once a narcissist hooks the victim and starts revealing their true self.     

Healing Points of This Episode:

  • The discard phase can go into several different directions. You have the power to take control and get out of it while you still can. 
  • As much as we want to love and understand someone, if the person behind the mask that you fell in love with makes you feel pained, harmed, and distressed, then it’s never worth it. 
  • Your path to healing starts with recognizing the deep-rooted reasons why you are compelled to stay in the relationship. 

Words of Healing:

  • You discarding them definitely gives you an upper hand – of feeling in control if you will;  but whichever way the cookie crumbles, your heart was still broken and emotional damage was still caused. – Regina Marie
  • The majority of abusers or narcissists don't truly mean to cause you pain,  they just haven't fully handled their traumatic past. They're still bleeding wounds and they haven't accepted the lessons to be learned from their abusive caregivers. – Regina Marie
  • This is why the discard hurts us so badly as survivors – because we want to show them that we are also the ride-or-die type.  We want to prove our loyalty,  our commitment,  our unconditional love; and we think that if we just loved them enough,... then they would treat us differently today instead of projecting their pain onto us and placing limited beliefs on our character. – Regina Marie

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